Lately,

Chill. Relax. Chill. Giggles. Laughs. Kisses. Hugs(>_<). You. Show. Tell.

I don't know.  
Just going to take it all in and enjoy every moment of this while it lasts. 
You make me anxious.
Excited.
You make me smile on the inside.
I like you.
Fuck my life.

Interesting days.

It might not be quite interesting to others but compared to my regular days, its pretty insane. Ok, not insane, but its something good. Not having a car is a bummer and a hassle. I can't drive anywhere. I feel like I've lost my legs. That's a bit too exaggerated. Anyways, lately, I've been sharing a side of me that I usually just keep to myself to someone that I've only really known for a little over a month. Don't get it twisted now, I'm not too crazy. Not too sprung. Just calm. And pretty interested. The girls show interest when I mention you, talk of you. Its nothing too grand. Its believable. The girls questions whether it is a fling or if its serious. Well, it has been only a short period of time, but hey I'll tell you, its been a pretty great short period of time and I don't think I've wasted it. I don't waste my time on flings. If I wanted it to be a fling, I would not waste my time even talking. Its been nice to click with someone pretty quick. At the same time, this process is scaring me and I find my find myself sometimes retracting into my own little shell. I'm not the type to be cared for. I'm not a long-term relationship girl. I'm a month, a weekly typa love. I'm the girl that will make you crazy for a month or so. I'm the type of girl that will believe in crazyness-- that crazyness will never last. You can like me but you will never love me. If you ever make me fall, you'll end up being in-hate with yours truly here. I am not lying, although I might be able to catch myself saying that I will not lie about being honest. Honestly, I'll be damned lying. We are not two peas in a pod. Don't ever call us that because I do not believe in perfection. I stand for myself, not for you. Selfish should not be the word to describe me. I am more selfless than any other. My heart is literal. My mind is concrete. I will not think outside of the box but I am quite open minded and open to new ideas. I will and can only understand if you are logically correct. Don't tell me something 'just because' and don't give me reasons followed by and I-don't-know. You know, and you will find it. No one is ever worth it so don't tell me that I am worth it. Do you and I'll do me. Love me later, but in the meantime, decode me. I am predictable and simply insane. I am no psychotic bitxh. I'm kind. I'm not nice. I'm soft inside that is why I have a hard shell. I am not hard to get, although you just have to let me relax and let you in. I don't see you any different than the others yet. In my eyes, you are you. Please don't get confused. Word for word, is not the way to understand me. Read between the lines, the silence, the pauses. Don't pay too close of attention to my word choices. Good day, to you.

The XX-Night Time

Thanks, Sean.

Ahead of time,

The rest of March

• JA teaching
• Send in SFSU housing app asap!
• Ahill Fantastics 3/18
• Accel orientation 3/23

April

• Send in the 'yes' for SFSU 4/1
• Class schedules are out 4/1 
• No school 4/8
• SF orientation date (choose classes) 4/9 
• Alex's 20th. 4/15 
• Prom 4/16

May

•  Ahill graduation 5/25 (?)
• Graduation 5/27

June

•  Start work again @ Mountain View Pharmaceuticals
• Best's 17th birthday
• My 18th birthday

July

• I have absolutely no idea. 
• 4th of July 7/4 

August

• Move in date for SFSU! 8/17
• First day of Fall Semester @ SFSU 8/23 

Sex appeal,

I've got a bit of that in me and I'm not afraid to flaunt it.

Chan,

=)

Drizzlin',

sprinkling.
pouring.
misty.
drenching.
rain.
valentine's week.

Cuddling only feels natural only when its with you, you douchebag/asshole/jerk/darling/sugga.
Good natural, passionate sexual chemistry we goin' on between us baby.
But I'm the 'other' girl. Only the other girl.

Getting over. Forgetting about J. Not a bad process you know? I didn't lose anything. We had nothing. Or so it seems(ed).
I was losing my mind over a tiny error. You got another babe, glad you're happy.
I got my mind set straight. You were just a fling. I'll put it that way. It wasn't real. But thanks boy, for making me believe that it was though. Looking back, it was just a show, a front, a game, a lie, something other than the truth.
Why did you do that.
Was it because I always paid for everything?
Money was never an issue to me boy, sucks that it was to you.
But hey, good luck to you and your life.
I hope you find a light somewhere at the end of the tunnel. You were great for a bit.

Back to my life,
School is good.
Girls are good.
Cash is good.
Loving the colors and styles set for springtime.
Life is swell.
Can't wait for prom.
No prom date yet.
The only bad thing- no consistency, no stability.

Repetitive.

Single.
I just wanted something stable.
Constant.
Instead I got the same ol' same ol'.
Not that great of an ending.
I think we should've just left it how it was 4 years ago.
I rather check in and out.
Why did you have to let me like you like how I did.
And maybe still do.
And now, why did I make you hate me.
Why did you have to make things bigger than they actually are.
Words especially.
Why didn't you just let me be.
Who's brightass idea was it to make me happy in the first place.
Then take it away.
Smart.

Dis,

appoint.

People don't change. 
Disappointment.
I really do like you boy, but you never fail to disappoint me.
You never fail to make me smile.
You never fail to amuse me.
And you never fail to disappoint.
I'm playing tug-a-war with my decisions now.

Coming back,

that relaxed feeling when you're with someone you care so much about. Just chillin' and relaxin'. Kissing your hands, the back of your hands, your forehead, running my fingers through your hair and such. Just talking about everything. Being so comfortable. Distance may sting a bit but since I have no doubts about you, its a bit less harsh on me. I just hope that history won't repeat itself again because I'm too tired to go through with alla that shit again. Cut me some slack.

Ending the year,

I found myself being on the phone with someone, laughing on the phone with someone until my tummy hurts, my cheeks hurt. I also found myself ignoring your phone calls. Don't keep your eyes and attention off a bad girl, she might not be there the next time you look. She will be gone in a blink of an eye. Please don't take your eyes off of her, you're making a terrible mistake for doing so.
Back to being used to not checking my phone anymores. Congrats to me, I didn't needa be getting used to anything new and different.
Well anyways, good news, I'll be spending my New Year's Eve with my bestfriend. That's all I'll be needing. Since its my mom's birthday, I won't be able to go to any parties and such. But hey, I'm fine with not getting drunk and trashed up for the New Year.

Christmas In The Park, 2010.

Happiness doesn't come around that often for me. So I shall make the most out of it while it lasts.

I am reminded of you<3.

A new thing that can prove to me that there IS such thing as,

different. I guess in some way.
Well, honestly, since I was high and I don't exactly remember much about what happened,
You're now less on my mind.
Sorry to say that.
We should have stayed sober.
We should not have stayed in a room together.
Even though we didn't...
Wanting you physically now just somewhat overpowers me wanting you mentally.
But right now, I'll update on what's been up for the past week:
I was so sprung over this 'him'. The sweetest thing.
Where has he been all my life.
And fuck my life, why did I say yes to weed.
Although I did remember that one kiss. You know, the one that got my heart to burn up and me to get lightheaded..
I wouldn't have remembered it if you didn't mention it.

I honestly don't want that.
I don't want you to be just any of my past guys and I also don't want to be just any girl.
I genuinely like you and am very into you.
That is the reason why I want to move slow.
I don't want to fuck.
I want something with passion in it.
I have so much pride in myself that I can actually somewhat control myself when I'm around you.
A bit.
But its been awhile since I've encountered a wild thing like you. Wild, but sweet.
Passionate, filled with want and need and desire. A lot of fire but also a lot of cooling down that was needed.
I'm sprung.

Someone slap me. Tell me its okay for me to be happy for once.
Tell my its okay to fall.
Because I do not want to hold my guard up for him.
For he did not make the mistakes that the past has made.

Lucky guy, caught me when I'm down to fall for a nice guy. When I'm down to commit. When I'm down to you know, just wear my heart on my sleeve.

Infatuation has taken over my system.
Call me crazy.