A good fuck,

I can't seem to write positively.
It doesn't seem I'm good enough.
Not a good enough lover.
Not a good enough fucker.
Not good enough of a kisser.
Kisses not good enough.
Complaints of how I hold you.
Kiss you.
Love you.
Want you.
Fuck you.
Suck you.
Its just not good enough.
I'm just the cheap fuck that you don't tip.

Spring,

Spring calls for newly hatched.
Morning dews.
Chilly sunshine.
Flutters on the newly blossomed.
But what I get is the complete u-turn.
Love has been put on pause it seems
and what has blossomed is our turn of throwing in the towel,
calling it a day,
and giving it a rest.
Its been quite a work out, a good work out is not it.
But we're sore all over.
Our love is year is no different than exactly a year ago.
So what has changed.

All he speaks of.
Wilted
Hurt
What
are we doing
Empty
Love
questions of
questions it
sigh*
drag*
loose grips
fine
okays
(not okay)

what he speaks of, I have been steps ahead of those feelings.
I seem ok because I have already felt the same exact feeling that you have right now..last week, last night, last month, last long ago.

I miss us.
Thoughts of old happiness sometimes lead me to think that this is now too old.
Actions and signs of new happiness shows that there is light at the end.

I love to think
that there is no end for this. Maybe this is not our time.
But what if it is.
What if we could.
Only if we both back down.
Swallow our pride, our ego, our jealousy.
All of what that kills us.

What makes us "us"?

What is my specialty.
I used to be nineteen.
She used to be yours.
And you used to be hers.
There was once a time or twice and more where
your body (amazingly evenly rugged) physically was here but she had your soul.

Yes there are thoughts
many thoughts.
A lot of "what?" "what." "what!"
But more silence and nothings have been heard.

I'm tired
correct
but until I'm dead,
I will keep fighting.

I know I've been in the wrong.
Maybe you won't realize it anytime soon.
but.

The big twentyone is coming up.
And I'll be blowing out my candles.
With one with in mind.
Wishes don't come true.
But I shouldn't think like that.
Negative.
I will throw that away.
Just all but hope.
I'm living off hope.
Support me.
Or else I'd be living off and all for nothing.

As I introduced you to embrace darkness
Hold onto me with your light.
We need us.
We are each other's balance.

I do not exist without you.
What is darkness without light.
And how can you tell its bright out without ever seeing it through with blackness.
How can you say its full if you've never seen it empty.

So this is our test.
Step up to the plate.
And hold on.
This ride won't end
until we have reached our final destination.

Construction site,

To erase what once was there,

she goes and goes

going

   go

anywhere

  elsewhere

everywhere

but still..

her mind is still at the dead end

with no turn out.

Brick wall

  rugged.

Once newly constructed.

Will stay there until time brings it

falling apart.

Slowly.

But eventually.

Nothing strange about that

Strange,

love is a losing game.

Love,

will stay.

Game,

it was ever never.

But does it matter?

Why am I waiting.

What am I waiting for.

Chase,

over and over.

Turn around!

(no response)

It simply starts with a missed call.

We aren't just watering a dead flower now,
Are we?

Utmost attention,

Do I?

There's this gut punch, firm center.
Physically, I may be visually impaired
But because of that, there's another sense
And I know
That it is not lying to me.

Its happening again, my dearest.
Oh I know.
And you know.

Hit me.
I'm ready.

I'm another one.
I am the next.
I am not her.
You will not break me.

No thanks, I can do that myself thank you very much.


I'm onto you.

so she dies

,

and takes the fire with her.

I have accepted the silence that has swallowed me whole. 

I am the silence.

Unspoken of. 

Gone unnoticed. 

what can be more worse than the total agony of being in love?

White butterflies,

She died.

Well,

We can dwell on what was

or we can talk about what is.

Sound,

We'll build our fortress to keep them out
And in a world gone silent I'll be your sound

Either,

it is either you inspire me
or
drain
       me.

You've gotta hit rock bottom before you know what direction to go in.

If you lose yourself then
you lose me.
Because I go where you go.