Deleted scenes,

I deleted my last post. I don't think that blogspot is a smart place to share my most secretive thoughts, feelings, emotions. Xanga has a privacy button, therefore I have reposted it on there. Some people may be able to read it, but not all. Mm, so my thoughts run a whole lot and fast at night. When I'm almost sleepy and all. My mind starts racing. Oh god I have never hated thinking so much in my whole life before til nows. I don't want those thoughts. I try my best to shut off my brain, so I can just sleep soundly. I think I've lost my sense of feelings. Its possible you know that? I learned it in Psych class. Funny how I even know that, I barely pay attention in class. But yeah, for example. I know I'm supposed to FEEL a certain way when something occurs or comes up. I just don't feel it. Shall I call it numbness? I'm not sure.

I haven't gaven up on something in a long while. But now, at this phase I'm practically giving up on almost everything. My school work is what's bothering me. I used to be top of the class, believe it or not. I used to be the one that was trying to push all of my other friends in the right path. Funny, yes. I'm actually a really caring person. I've always been the type to put others before my own self. People tell me I shouldn't do so, its not that healthy for you. Yeah of course I know. I have my own moments where I think to myself and all. Ask myself questions, answer them myself in differnt views, perspectives. I remember, I used to be the one others came to for advice, on anything. Because I've been through most, yeah I'm still young. But I've been through enough, too much for a 16 year old, is what most adults would say if they knew. Only if.

I don't know why I'm typing right now, a bit more than I usually do nowadays. I wonder if I miss who I used to be.. Is who I used to be, good...or bad(?) I think things I say don't always make sense to people. I have a way w/ words, especially mine. Hm, I don't want to be such an emotional person. But I guess I can't exactly always stop it. In person, I'm not that deep of a person, I've lost touch of my deep side. I guess you can put it that way.

I'm not sure who I'm typing to, but I'm just typing whatever comes to mind before my photo class @915. I haven't shot pictures in a while. I've lost motivation. I forgot ever since when, but I'm pretty sure I did. I wonder if its him. Nah....yeah....He was practicallly the only person that believed in me, no matter what. He was the reason why I tried. Because I knew I was smarter than him in a way. I'm not saying this to offend anybody whatsoever. I sorta wanted to set an example for him to follow. He didn't know WHAT to do w/ his life, his knowledge and such. I want him to do better because I knew he could. And he is! His parents don't believe in him, no. Not as much as I did. And I still do. No matter what. I don't have to have any connection with him in order to beleive in him and support him in my own way, in my own mind. I know he can do anything by himself, for he is a strong human being.

I'm glad, that I don't see him in church anymore. Even if I did, he sure doesn't see me. I sit on the other side of church, in between my girls. So they can block him away from my sight, and my thoughts. Trust me, these girls that I have right now, they are the best. They mean so much to me. I'm glad they understand. I can't be ever more grateful to have them in my life.

I should cut here.

Its my dad's birthday today. He's turning 65. I bet you he's probably as old as your guy's grandpa/ma.