On hold

and every time i let you leave
i always saw you coming back to me

strengths or

weaknesses.

crazy

sane

in-
sane

x
x
,
red.

listen to the waves,

satisfying your fantasy of self destruction with reality.


to clarify self doubt

cashmere wool,

Lately I've gotten the chance to do things on my own. Think on my own. My own actions affect only myself.

That is how it should be all the time. But it wasn't. Now it is developing.

My highs are surrounding. But the lows seem to do its catching up just as fine. 

Over a cup of black coffee. the scent. the taste. the warmth. how smooth it goes down. how bitterness comes after the sip. the experience as a whole. and once at the bottom,
the very last couple of sips
not so bitter anymore.
actually is sweet to taste.

no one is ignoring anything.
this is me grieving.
some time to let my overflowing thoughts scat out what i can't hold in anymore.
too full.
the limit.
this is not a letter of request.
nor for your mind to wonder about every single word being used.

random but not so random.
oh,
the sunrise is beautiful.
no.

through every conversation. finding, reminiscing, excuses.

i can't have you on my mind. the more i push it away, block it, erase it...

somehow, it still grows.

please.

no substance. no pain reliever. anti anxiety. numb. serotonin. liquid. herb. fungi. pain inducing labor. ash. high. low.

it has only been a week.

it has been over a year.

forevermore.

run.

as fast as you can. keep going. don't let me catch up. 

paths will never cross.

one block away,

t.

p.s.
i wish you nothing but happiness.
truth.
love.
desire.
wish.
success.
may all your wishing dreams come true.
good luck charm for you.
so you do never experience any more pain.
find your stability.
free fall.
your balance, your level.
never will i speak those three
little
words.
your trip is coming,
someone is coming with.
someone will come back with.
make it.
promise me.
because i promise you,
we will.

some love learn to grow together.
we learned to grow otherwise.

beautiful day today.
its only 8am.
the nights are rushing in.
but that doesn't mean days are ending any sooner.

this is amazing right now. i wish you were here.
no.
this is how my routine will be.
we never agreed on how i lived my life.
so i guess ill have to appreciate this on my own.
oh look, to the left of the blue we have the gray.
we are in a drought anyways.
but the scent of the drizzle, the pour.
i am no longer seeking the rainbow anymore.
my sun.

i shall have to better myself.
but my better will never compare to yours.

ok, forreal this time.
sorry mister, i'm babbling.

your moon,

Fin.

loathe.

"What are you doing here./?"

The past belongs to the past.

Strength,

was this for strength
or was this backlashing?
i did so to overcome.
but now that its over.
what have i really gotten done?
did i do this for strength?
if so.
why do i feel weaker
straining thyself
to
make

Knees,

Love
have mercy on me
Forgive me
for I have sinned
and fallen into a state of...

love, forgive me
cupid, i have failed you yet again.
stars, you have crossed.
sun bright, i cannot chase you anymore.
moonlight, i'm waiting for you.

C.W.D.K.M

substances take place of blood
the blood running through
my veins.
nights long for never endings.
wonder about whereabouts.
numbing sensations.
good life without each other--thats what we are
hoping.
hopeless hopeful dreams.
left
for what is right.
E.
i will leave the unsaid to the silence.
to death.
taking this
with me to the
grave.
the ocean.
up in flames.
love will not come around again.
it already has.
my only regret was letting you go.
really did not want to live life with regrets at all.
but then you happened.
and then you stopped happening.
dear mister.
dearest.
chase after your dreams.
your desires, love, and lover.

Ring ring.
what the fuck did i just do.
hang up.

only a masochist can love such a narcissist

A good fuck,

I can't seem to write positively.
It doesn't seem I'm good enough.
Not a good enough lover.
Not a good enough fucker.
Not good enough of a kisser.
Kisses not good enough.
Complaints of how I hold you.
Kiss you.
Love you.
Want you.
Fuck you.
Suck you.
Its just not good enough.
I'm just the cheap fuck that you don't tip.

Spring,

Spring calls for newly hatched.
Morning dews.
Chilly sunshine.
Flutters on the newly blossomed.
But what I get is the complete u-turn.
Love has been put on pause it seems
and what has blossomed is our turn of throwing in the towel,
calling it a day,
and giving it a rest.
Its been quite a work out, a good work out is not it.
But we're sore all over.
Our love is year is no different than exactly a year ago.
So what has changed.

All he speaks of.
Wilted
Hurt
What
are we doing
Empty
Love
questions of
questions it
sigh*
drag*
loose grips
fine
okays
(not okay)

what he speaks of, I have been steps ahead of those feelings.
I seem ok because I have already felt the same exact feeling that you have right now..last week, last night, last month, last long ago.

I miss us.
Thoughts of old happiness sometimes lead me to think that this is now too old.
Actions and signs of new happiness shows that there is light at the end.

I love to think
that there is no end for this. Maybe this is not our time.
But what if it is.
What if we could.
Only if we both back down.
Swallow our pride, our ego, our jealousy.
All of what that kills us.

What makes us "us"?

What is my specialty.
I used to be nineteen.
She used to be yours.
And you used to be hers.
There was once a time or twice and more where
your body (amazingly evenly rugged) physically was here but she had your soul.

Yes there are thoughts
many thoughts.
A lot of "what?" "what." "what!"
But more silence and nothings have been heard.

I'm tired
correct
but until I'm dead,
I will keep fighting.

I know I've been in the wrong.
Maybe you won't realize it anytime soon.
but.

The big twentyone is coming up.
And I'll be blowing out my candles.
With one with in mind.
Wishes don't come true.
But I shouldn't think like that.
Negative.
I will throw that away.
Just all but hope.
I'm living off hope.
Support me.
Or else I'd be living off and all for nothing.

As I introduced you to embrace darkness
Hold onto me with your light.
We need us.
We are each other's balance.

I do not exist without you.
What is darkness without light.
And how can you tell its bright out without ever seeing it through with blackness.
How can you say its full if you've never seen it empty.

So this is our test.
Step up to the plate.
And hold on.
This ride won't end
until we have reached our final destination.